Murphy's Real Laws
Jun. 20th, 2007 09:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aricadavidsonMurphy's Real Laws
1. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
2. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
3. Just remember if it wasn't for gravity, we'd all fall off.
4. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
5. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
6. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
7. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.
11. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
15. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
16. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
17. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
18. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
19. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Top eight dumb incidents of 2003
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten
tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing
beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give
yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines,
wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank
accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he
tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours
until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each
man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or
I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?"
the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to
hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb
and a finger to simulate! a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep
his hand in his pocket.
8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an
hour east of Bakersfield, Cal. some folks, new to boating, were having
a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their
brand new 22 ft boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every
maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of
trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone
there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check
revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine,
the out drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size
and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check
underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW
REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE.. Under the boat, still strapped securely in
place, was the trailer.
So the bottom line is to be careful so you don’t make the list of
2007.
1. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
2. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
3. Just remember if it wasn't for gravity, we'd all fall off.
4. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
5. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
6. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
7. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.
11. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
15. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
16. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
17. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
18. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
19. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Top eight dumb incidents of 2003
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten
tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing
beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give
yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines,
wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank
accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he
tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours
until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each
man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or
I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?"
the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to
hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb
and a finger to simulate! a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep
his hand in his pocket.
8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an
hour east of Bakersfield, Cal. some folks, new to boating, were having
a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their
brand new 22 ft boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every
maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of
trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone
there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check
revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine,
the out drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size
and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check
underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW
REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE.. Under the boat, still strapped securely in
place, was the trailer.
So the bottom line is to be careful so you don’t make the list of
2007.
